Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Explanation.
As I have grown dissatisfied with tumblr, I have moved all my posts from there to here. Fuck Tumblr.
John Carter
Welp, the day is finally here, and John Carter is in theaters. Now everyone thinks that I’m a raging asshole who hates fun, love, and joy, but really, that’s not the case.
Without discussing the plot, I thought it would be interesting to talk about the point of the original barsoom novels. Basically, they are absolutely ridiculous adventure novels. The main character is mostly faceless and devoid of personality, this was so the reader could apply himself to the character’s actions. John Carter, book version, is literally a highlander-esque immortal who gets sent to Mars by a witch or some shit. I think. Anyway, the guy basically kicks ass and takes names almost constantly in the novel, he kills enemies with a single punch, he takes several feet long broadswords to the chest and doesn’t give a damn, and he’s just so damn ridiculously manly that I had to wonder, in these progressive times, how would John Carter fare? I mean, the novels read like a fucking Tek Jansen short, and I think that the director understood this, because John Carter is completely self aware of its silly heritage.
For those that don’t know, this movie has it all, a princess to rescue, a ridiculously badass main character, a barbarian tribe to tame, an evil king to slay, the whole fucking shebang might be too weird for some. I mean, it’s “science fiction” but all you see are swords and shields. Despite all of this, though, the movie was pretty cool. It was a little hard to follow in the beginning, but by the end the story comes together. I mean, there’s a wedding to stop, and that by itself was good enough.
Is it a masterpiece? Nah….it was pretty fun though. I predict that people shitting over this will be shitting over it the same way people shit over Cowboys and Aliens. The story was just too ‘alien’ for the pretentious babies to get into.
Go see the damn movie, if only for the ‘John Carter vs a rampaging horde of aliens’ scene.
Without discussing the plot, I thought it would be interesting to talk about the point of the original barsoom novels. Basically, they are absolutely ridiculous adventure novels. The main character is mostly faceless and devoid of personality, this was so the reader could apply himself to the character’s actions. John Carter, book version, is literally a highlander-esque immortal who gets sent to Mars by a witch or some shit. I think. Anyway, the guy basically kicks ass and takes names almost constantly in the novel, he kills enemies with a single punch, he takes several feet long broadswords to the chest and doesn’t give a damn, and he’s just so damn ridiculously manly that I had to wonder, in these progressive times, how would John Carter fare? I mean, the novels read like a fucking Tek Jansen short, and I think that the director understood this, because John Carter is completely self aware of its silly heritage.
For those that don’t know, this movie has it all, a princess to rescue, a ridiculously badass main character, a barbarian tribe to tame, an evil king to slay, the whole fucking shebang might be too weird for some. I mean, it’s “science fiction” but all you see are swords and shields. Despite all of this, though, the movie was pretty cool. It was a little hard to follow in the beginning, but by the end the story comes together. I mean, there’s a wedding to stop, and that by itself was good enough.
Is it a masterpiece? Nah….it was pretty fun though. I predict that people shitting over this will be shitting over it the same way people shit over Cowboys and Aliens. The story was just too ‘alien’ for the pretentious babies to get into.
Go see the damn movie, if only for the ‘John Carter vs a rampaging horde of aliens’ scene.
Gonna read 100 books in a year!
So far:
Alright, so I thought I’d give an update on this little thing.
Mao’s Great Famine 5/5
I enjoyed this book. It was excellent, brilliant in the quality of its research, arguments, deductions and storytelling. I recommend this book to anyone who cares about Chinese Communist History.
Naked Lunch 5/5
This is an odd book. It’s got a different rhythmic flow to anything I’ve ever read before, in my LIFE. It’s funny, and…filled with guy on guy rape scenes. And monsters. And racists.
Starship Troopers 5/5
I never understood the hatred of academics towards military science fiction, and so when I read this novel and got a book that was mostly philosophical debates and the monotony of day to day military life, I have to ask, again: “Why the fuck are you so mad, literature majors?”
Ender’s Game 4/5
I mostly read this because it’s one of “those books”, one of the ones you have to read, unfortunately I had purchased a copy with money before I realized the author was a raging homophobe. It was still a pretty good book.
A Princess of Mars 5/5
Ignoring the Victorian Prose, this book is hilarious in its datedness and its ability to make me laugh. JC kills people with one punch, leaps hundreds of feet into the air, and is just…insanely badass.
Speaker For the Dead 4/5
The followup to Ender’s Game was very slow, but if you can accept the change in tone, it’s still a good story. The ending was satisfying, and might be the least enticing cliffhanger ever.
The Hedge Knight 5/5
I’m not a die hard GRRM fan, but this book was excellent. It told a quick and simple story of a knight who has to fight a battle. Novellas aren’t cheating.
Xenocide 1/5
Suddenly the Ender’s Saga shifts gears and goes into full derp mode. Endless boring chinese taoist philosophy from a braindead white douche, a plodding story, and get this! At the end of the novel, magic is invented by the characters! Marge would be butthurt.
Children of the Mind 2/5
I’m giving you an extra point to this book because it provides some closure to the retarded series. Not much though. I mean, it does it in the clumsiest and most idiotic way.
Silas Marner 3/5
Read it for class. Was alright. Short, which was nice.
The Forever War 5/5
I expected that this story would be full of battles, and what I got was gay sex, space vietnam, and depressed Keanu Reeves. I give it a perfect score.
A Wizard of Earthsea 5/5
When I heard that this series had a movie by Ghibli, I read it immediately. The story was great, although it feels more derivative than it is, mostly because its concepts have been cannibalized by fuckin’ errybody. Funny story: This book series was a favorite of Miyazaki, and he wanted to work on it for years. When he finally got the rights to make it, his retarded son made it, ruining it forever!
The Tombs of Atuan 4/5
This kind of feels like a side story, still enjoyable but not really necessary.
The Boy Detective Fails 3/5
Hey look it’s the Venture Bros but with horrible amounts of hipster formatting. One sentence chapters, one word pages, fuck youuuuuuuu postmodernism.
Jhonny Nmemenemenic 4/5
I love any story with Molly Millions and this didn’t disappoint me none.
Foundation 5/5
IT’S THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE IN SPACE. FUUUCK
Foundation and Empire 5/5
MORE OF THAT, BUT EVEN COOLER. ALSO MULE.
Second Foundation 5/5
I want to give this a fucking one, because it marks the end of the first trilogy. Story shouldn’t have ever ended.
Hard Times 3/5
It sure is a Charles Dickens novel. Lots of political and social satire. Take that, Industrial Revolution!
The Minority Report 5/5
It was better than the movie! And, made me rewatch the movie.
Alright, so I thought I’d give an update on this little thing.
Mao’s Great Famine 5/5
I enjoyed this book. It was excellent, brilliant in the quality of its research, arguments, deductions and storytelling. I recommend this book to anyone who cares about Chinese Communist History.
Naked Lunch 5/5
This is an odd book. It’s got a different rhythmic flow to anything I’ve ever read before, in my LIFE. It’s funny, and…filled with guy on guy rape scenes. And monsters. And racists.
Starship Troopers 5/5
I never understood the hatred of academics towards military science fiction, and so when I read this novel and got a book that was mostly philosophical debates and the monotony of day to day military life, I have to ask, again: “Why the fuck are you so mad, literature majors?”
Ender’s Game 4/5
I mostly read this because it’s one of “those books”, one of the ones you have to read, unfortunately I had purchased a copy with money before I realized the author was a raging homophobe. It was still a pretty good book.
A Princess of Mars 5/5
Ignoring the Victorian Prose, this book is hilarious in its datedness and its ability to make me laugh. JC kills people with one punch, leaps hundreds of feet into the air, and is just…insanely badass.
Speaker For the Dead 4/5
The followup to Ender’s Game was very slow, but if you can accept the change in tone, it’s still a good story. The ending was satisfying, and might be the least enticing cliffhanger ever.
The Hedge Knight 5/5
I’m not a die hard GRRM fan, but this book was excellent. It told a quick and simple story of a knight who has to fight a battle. Novellas aren’t cheating.
Xenocide 1/5
Suddenly the Ender’s Saga shifts gears and goes into full derp mode. Endless boring chinese taoist philosophy from a braindead white douche, a plodding story, and get this! At the end of the novel, magic is invented by the characters! Marge would be butthurt.
Children of the Mind 2/5
I’m giving you an extra point to this book because it provides some closure to the retarded series. Not much though. I mean, it does it in the clumsiest and most idiotic way.
Silas Marner 3/5
Read it for class. Was alright. Short, which was nice.
The Forever War 5/5
I expected that this story would be full of battles, and what I got was gay sex, space vietnam, and depressed Keanu Reeves. I give it a perfect score.
A Wizard of Earthsea 5/5
When I heard that this series had a movie by Ghibli, I read it immediately. The story was great, although it feels more derivative than it is, mostly because its concepts have been cannibalized by fuckin’ errybody. Funny story: This book series was a favorite of Miyazaki, and he wanted to work on it for years. When he finally got the rights to make it, his retarded son made it, ruining it forever!
The Tombs of Atuan 4/5
This kind of feels like a side story, still enjoyable but not really necessary.
The Boy Detective Fails 3/5
Hey look it’s the Venture Bros but with horrible amounts of hipster formatting. One sentence chapters, one word pages, fuck youuuuuuuu postmodernism.
Jhonny Nmemenemenic 4/5
I love any story with Molly Millions and this didn’t disappoint me none.
Foundation 5/5
IT’S THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE IN SPACE. FUUUCK
Foundation and Empire 5/5
MORE OF THAT, BUT EVEN COOLER. ALSO MULE.
Second Foundation 5/5
I want to give this a fucking one, because it marks the end of the first trilogy. Story shouldn’t have ever ended.
Hard Times 3/5
It sure is a Charles Dickens novel. Lots of political and social satire. Take that, Industrial Revolution!
The Minority Report 5/5
It was better than the movie! And, made me rewatch the movie.
Ladies make the best Sci-Fi Heroes
So I’ve been a-watching older sci-fi movies this weekend.
I started with Aliens, which is, as some have called it, the Citizen Kane of Science Fiction movies.
I don’t really understand what that is actually supposed to mean, but I really like Aliens. The story is airtight, and it was nice to see people working with limitations that don’t exist anymore. The aliens themselves looked fantastic, and there was that age-old proof that when you have a grit to your movie, it’s more believable.
As for the rest of the movies, I have to say, the one I found that was really horrible was Alien3. Even that wasn’t actually anyone’s particular fault. The movie just had no real push behind it to get it made, and so it changed directors, scripts and even actors so many times that by the time a young David Fincher came onto the set, he had no money, a big expensive set, and people telling him to finish the movie, and now, god damn it. So he did the best he could with what he had. I mean that shit happens in hollywood all the time, that’s why John Carter has such a big production budget, because they’ve been trying to make this fucking movie since the 1980’s!
Now I know a lot of people here are going to tell me that ressurection was the equivalent of getting cancer and raped in the bellybutton at the same time, but honestly, the only thing holding Resurrection back was the style that it was filmed in. If you look at all three Alien films before it, the fourth one is completely different in tone. It tried to have the action of Aliens, and the horror elements of Alien. The only problem with that is if you don’t do it right, it will suck, and it kind of sucked. It was excessively violent, even for an Alien movie, it was written by somebody who was not suited for horror films at all, and the story was like something written out of Alien fanfiction.
The director managed to get some decent ideas and shots in, the idea that Androids were living amongst humans and trying to live normal lives, the idea of a hybrid alien, even the cloning shit was kind of interesting, and nothing is cooler than looking at the gigeresque nightmares that the cloning mistakes produce. And shit, Sigourney Weaver was pretty fantastic. I really enjoy seeing Ripley, not because that she was sexy, but because she was practical. She was intelligent, but not a super-genius, and that’s really nice to see, especially when you compare it to the new Star Trek, where all the characters are super geniuses, and can speak a million languages, and fly, and lift objects with their minds. That’s trying too hard. Just make her somebody we can relate to, shit!
Eh, besides that, I urge anyone reading this(ha ha, nobody’s reading this) to go see Prometheus when it comes out. I guess it’s sort of a prequel to Alien? But not…retarded? Let’s find out.
I started with Aliens, which is, as some have called it, the Citizen Kane of Science Fiction movies.
I don’t really understand what that is actually supposed to mean, but I really like Aliens. The story is airtight, and it was nice to see people working with limitations that don’t exist anymore. The aliens themselves looked fantastic, and there was that age-old proof that when you have a grit to your movie, it’s more believable.
As for the rest of the movies, I have to say, the one I found that was really horrible was Alien3. Even that wasn’t actually anyone’s particular fault. The movie just had no real push behind it to get it made, and so it changed directors, scripts and even actors so many times that by the time a young David Fincher came onto the set, he had no money, a big expensive set, and people telling him to finish the movie, and now, god damn it. So he did the best he could with what he had. I mean that shit happens in hollywood all the time, that’s why John Carter has such a big production budget, because they’ve been trying to make this fucking movie since the 1980’s!
Now I know a lot of people here are going to tell me that ressurection was the equivalent of getting cancer and raped in the bellybutton at the same time, but honestly, the only thing holding Resurrection back was the style that it was filmed in. If you look at all three Alien films before it, the fourth one is completely different in tone. It tried to have the action of Aliens, and the horror elements of Alien. The only problem with that is if you don’t do it right, it will suck, and it kind of sucked. It was excessively violent, even for an Alien movie, it was written by somebody who was not suited for horror films at all, and the story was like something written out of Alien fanfiction.
The director managed to get some decent ideas and shots in, the idea that Androids were living amongst humans and trying to live normal lives, the idea of a hybrid alien, even the cloning shit was kind of interesting, and nothing is cooler than looking at the gigeresque nightmares that the cloning mistakes produce. And shit, Sigourney Weaver was pretty fantastic. I really enjoy seeing Ripley, not because that she was sexy, but because she was practical. She was intelligent, but not a super-genius, and that’s really nice to see, especially when you compare it to the new Star Trek, where all the characters are super geniuses, and can speak a million languages, and fly, and lift objects with their minds. That’s trying too hard. Just make her somebody we can relate to, shit!
Eh, besides that, I urge anyone reading this(ha ha, nobody’s reading this) to go see Prometheus when it comes out. I guess it’s sort of a prequel to Alien? But not…retarded? Let’s find out.
Chronicle
So Chronicle was pretty damn good. I don’t really know what to say, I expected very little, as I hate, hate, hate the found footage genre. Or at least, I did until I watched it.
Anyway, there’s a million other reviews and blogs and shit talking about this flick, all I wanted to say was this opened my eyes to the way superhero movies are filmed. It’s about the spectacle. I mean,Chronicle worked because the characters were fantastic. I mean they weren’t larger than life, they weren’t particularly deep. It’s true, I’m sorry. They even mock the idea of a ‘deep’ teenager by having the character Matt constantly quote philosophers and use words like hubris. No, the characters are great because you can understand them. If you’ve ever been bullied, you understand Andrew’s learned helplessness, his frustration burning beneath the surface, then you get that character. Larger than life and super-popular Steve is the complete opposite, and he brings quite a bit of energy to the script. Rounding out the ensemble is Matt, and they really compliment each other well. The movie dashes away the whole ‘whoahly shit, we have powers’ nonsense that superhero movies somehow need to have in them and jumps forward to having them testing out their abilities. They grow their powers along with their friendship, and they get closer and closer. You really believe in it. When Andrew is finally confronted with the prospect that he doesn’t have to take the abuse anymore, you feel for the guy. A drunken dad, constant bullying and mocking in school, why does the dude have to put up with this shit?
The actual fighting aspect doesn’t happen until the last maybe eight minutes of the movie, and it’s over super quickly, because the movie wasn’t about this ridiculous spectacle. That’s not the same as in, oh, transformers. People aren’t going to see transformers for the characters. They’re there to watch fucking giant robots beat the shit out of each other, and with the ridiculous production budget that sinks into these films, it’s obvious the focus of the film is just to show giant robots. If the movie had like, I dunno, a shitload of character development and the transformers only fought for the last ten minutes of the movie, people would explode into rage.
Now Chronicle is not tied to a massive production budget, and it doesn’t have an established fanbase. So, the entire film can be characters developing, growing and changing, and then you can feel something when the film ends the tragic way it does.
As for the special effects, it blows my mind that the effects are about as good as that Scott Pilgrim film, which cost 90 million to Chronicle’s 15. It makes me wonder if people weren’t just wasting money and writing themselves cheques, because is Chronicle succeeds, they could make another, absolutely fantastic flick with all of the same bells and whistles, with about the same amount of money.
Anyway. Go…and see it.
Harvey Vdarski out.
Anyway, there’s a million other reviews and blogs and shit talking about this flick, all I wanted to say was this opened my eyes to the way superhero movies are filmed. It’s about the spectacle. I mean,Chronicle worked because the characters were fantastic. I mean they weren’t larger than life, they weren’t particularly deep. It’s true, I’m sorry. They even mock the idea of a ‘deep’ teenager by having the character Matt constantly quote philosophers and use words like hubris. No, the characters are great because you can understand them. If you’ve ever been bullied, you understand Andrew’s learned helplessness, his frustration burning beneath the surface, then you get that character. Larger than life and super-popular Steve is the complete opposite, and he brings quite a bit of energy to the script. Rounding out the ensemble is Matt, and they really compliment each other well. The movie dashes away the whole ‘whoahly shit, we have powers’ nonsense that superhero movies somehow need to have in them and jumps forward to having them testing out their abilities. They grow their powers along with their friendship, and they get closer and closer. You really believe in it. When Andrew is finally confronted with the prospect that he doesn’t have to take the abuse anymore, you feel for the guy. A drunken dad, constant bullying and mocking in school, why does the dude have to put up with this shit?
The actual fighting aspect doesn’t happen until the last maybe eight minutes of the movie, and it’s over super quickly, because the movie wasn’t about this ridiculous spectacle. That’s not the same as in, oh, transformers. People aren’t going to see transformers for the characters. They’re there to watch fucking giant robots beat the shit out of each other, and with the ridiculous production budget that sinks into these films, it’s obvious the focus of the film is just to show giant robots. If the movie had like, I dunno, a shitload of character development and the transformers only fought for the last ten minutes of the movie, people would explode into rage.
Now Chronicle is not tied to a massive production budget, and it doesn’t have an established fanbase. So, the entire film can be characters developing, growing and changing, and then you can feel something when the film ends the tragic way it does.
As for the special effects, it blows my mind that the effects are about as good as that Scott Pilgrim film, which cost 90 million to Chronicle’s 15. It makes me wonder if people weren’t just wasting money and writing themselves cheques, because is Chronicle succeeds, they could make another, absolutely fantastic flick with all of the same bells and whistles, with about the same amount of money.
Anyway. Go…and see it.
Harvey Vdarski out.
Rango
So I watched the movie Rango about three days ago, and in my mind I keep going over the same realization; Pixar doesn’t own the animated film industry anymore.
Seriously, five years ago, all of the best animated films were made by Pixar. Every movie Pixar made was amazing, and many times they had cheap, shitty knockoffs like Shark Tale came out, which nobody wanted. Oh yeah, there was the occasional edge to the rule, but for the most part, every single idiotic movie that wasn’t made by Pixar fell flat on its feet in terms of art design and story. Basically, these movies were either completely insulting to the intelligence or they had no real interest in being a film that was actually worth something.
I’m not saying all non-Pixar movies were horrible, or that Pixar didn’t fuck up from time to time, but in a general sense, Pixar was gold.
This seemed to change with How to train your dragon, which, despite the unfortunate title, was actually a really fantastic film. It had a good story, filled with twists, some not-predictable, others seen from a mile away, and it was pretty damn funny, too. It laid off the stupid pop-culture references and focused on being excellent, which it was.
Of course I considered this a fluke, I shrugged it off and stayed heavily entrenched in the Pixar camp.
Then I watched Rango, and the trailer for Brave, and I am starting to feel something, a shakeup of my preconceptions of a film.
Rango was actually pretty damn fantastic, for more reasons than one. The main character was interesting, and extremely meta, virtually having no personality or even being a person until he assumes his alter ego, which…he becomes, which was pretty excellent. The villians were excellent, especially the referential Rattlesnake Jake, who apparantly sent children screaming from the theaters. Which, I have to say, makes me pretty happy. Alot of it does, actually, like how people die in the movie, people get shot in the face, crushed by boulders and one person is set on fire. What I liked about this is that kids aren’t babies. We can handle a little grit, and Rango doled it out in spades. I was actually very impressed that the movie had some of the jokes it did.
Now you might be thinking, “Hey, Rango had shitloads of references”, and it did, but the references in Rango were done properly. Many people like to do references like Family Guy. Make a direct callback even if your audience will know it. I mean Rango is insanely referential, but it never goes out of its way to do so, and it`s kind of cool recognizing some of the more hidden references(why does the bird have a metal beak? I know, do you?).
The trailer for Brave, on the other hand, makes me lose respect for Pixar. I mean, the style is frustratingly similiar to Dragon but that shouldn’t be a thing that Pixar…does…especially since it seems to be aping Mulan at every turn.
I don’t know, maybe Brave will blow my expectations out of the water and I’ll be writing a ‘done fucked up’ post in the months to come, but it doesn’t seem likely.
Seriously, five years ago, all of the best animated films were made by Pixar. Every movie Pixar made was amazing, and many times they had cheap, shitty knockoffs like Shark Tale came out, which nobody wanted. Oh yeah, there was the occasional edge to the rule, but for the most part, every single idiotic movie that wasn’t made by Pixar fell flat on its feet in terms of art design and story. Basically, these movies were either completely insulting to the intelligence or they had no real interest in being a film that was actually worth something.
I’m not saying all non-Pixar movies were horrible, or that Pixar didn’t fuck up from time to time, but in a general sense, Pixar was gold.
This seemed to change with How to train your dragon, which, despite the unfortunate title, was actually a really fantastic film. It had a good story, filled with twists, some not-predictable, others seen from a mile away, and it was pretty damn funny, too. It laid off the stupid pop-culture references and focused on being excellent, which it was.
Of course I considered this a fluke, I shrugged it off and stayed heavily entrenched in the Pixar camp.
Then I watched Rango, and the trailer for Brave, and I am starting to feel something, a shakeup of my preconceptions of a film.
Rango was actually pretty damn fantastic, for more reasons than one. The main character was interesting, and extremely meta, virtually having no personality or even being a person until he assumes his alter ego, which…he becomes, which was pretty excellent. The villians were excellent, especially the referential Rattlesnake Jake, who apparantly sent children screaming from the theaters. Which, I have to say, makes me pretty happy. Alot of it does, actually, like how people die in the movie, people get shot in the face, crushed by boulders and one person is set on fire. What I liked about this is that kids aren’t babies. We can handle a little grit, and Rango doled it out in spades. I was actually very impressed that the movie had some of the jokes it did.
Now you might be thinking, “Hey, Rango had shitloads of references”, and it did, but the references in Rango were done properly. Many people like to do references like Family Guy. Make a direct callback even if your audience will know it. I mean Rango is insanely referential, but it never goes out of its way to do so, and it`s kind of cool recognizing some of the more hidden references(why does the bird have a metal beak? I know, do you?).
The trailer for Brave, on the other hand, makes me lose respect for Pixar. I mean, the style is frustratingly similiar to Dragon but that shouldn’t be a thing that Pixar…does…especially since it seems to be aping Mulan at every turn.
I don’t know, maybe Brave will blow my expectations out of the water and I’ll be writing a ‘done fucked up’ post in the months to come, but it doesn’t seem likely.
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